Paula Rae

I'mmmmm BACKKKKKKK!!!! Yeah, I know it's been a while. To kick things off, For the next month I'll be answering the questions I've had emailed to me from people who have read my blog and I've picked this one to start with: "I met you when you were already married to your current husband and knowing you, I couldn't even imagine you ever cheating on him. Why did you cheat on your ex?" Interesting... I had to let this roll around in my mind for a bit. The answer I would've given when I was actively cheating is so far from the true answer that I have now. Back then, my answer would've definitely included a lot about him, what he was doing, and how I was fed up. Though those statements played their part in the decisions I made, but they were ultimately MY decisions. So let's start here: Nope. I had to grow and decide to own my stuff. I cheated because it was a choice I made. I could've made the choice to divorce my ex before I got...

As I sit on my back porch keeping an eye and an ear on my niece as she picks up garbage out of our yard that has float over from the hundreds of kids that live in our neighborhood, a task that she INSISTED on doing, I can't help but to laugh and be grateful for her and her energetic spirit.  I think back, it's almost like my sister started preparing us for her passing while she was pregnant with my niece. She asked me and my husband to be my niece's godparents. She often made me promise that if anything happened to her that I would raise her daughter as my own. Even when we'd argue and avoid talking to each other for a while, as I reckon some sisters do, she'd make sure that we had an understanding that our "adult mess" didn't void our verbal contract. If something happened to Ashley, Ava belonged to me. I always agreed. I would try to avoid the conversations, blow her off in disbelief... but she'd make me promise. So, in our final 2...

That is what I recently asked myself... MY ANSWER: Not where I want to be. *insert many complaints* Then I remembered that in addition to this being my year of saying YES to new experiences (which I've been doing pretty good on so far), the only thing I promised myself on this year was that I would BLOGGING. So, guess who's left feeling like a HUGE failure:  Le sigh. Woe is me.  So, why haven't I been blogging? I've received emails, inboxes, texts, taps on the shoulder, etc ... anything you can imagine, all from people asking me that very question or some rendition of it. I've been blessed to have some really dope conversations with people I didn't even know were following my blog. The initial response was GREAT! So, why wasn't I blogging??????? My answer: Processing... I was processing. Processing having a 7 year old, again. Processing the weird relationship between my mom and I, even after my sister's passing. Processing the f...

February is a BUSY month for my household. It is the first of our 3 month cycle with my bonus kids. There's lots of movement and adjustments to make... a month of getting back into the swing of things, having now 7 kids in 6 different schools with different schedules keeps my mind moving even in the rare moments when my body is not. So, please forgive me. I've been a bad blogger this month. BUT, I do have a few things to cover in this blog post. Though I've been busy, I've seen Black Panther TWICE so far, so let's discuss! Let's just get Black Panther out of the way. A-MAZING! This movie was MORE than an amazing opportunity to see a film that Ryan Coogler put together for us, FULL of people who look like us and our families, about an African King and STRONG African women...  But it was a great Marvel Movie!!!!!! It also showed us what happens when the father is removed... no, murdered, and his son is left behind to figure out his manhood on his own. Ki...

At 19, I stood before some people in a church and took some vows to be a wife. I had NO idea the weight that those vows carried and how I would fail to uphold them... but there I stood, repeating after the pastor that I had requested, in a dress that masked my pregnant belly just right, lying to the people. We've already picked through the foolery that was my first marriage and I thank God that my ex-husband and I were able to forgive each other of the injuries we inflicted upon each other as kids playing house while not realizing that marriage is for grown ups. Our kids have the benefit of us NOT hating each other and having two parents that can sit together along with the other major players in the lives and have discussions concerning them, in peace and love. We are better parents than we were spouses. Going from marriage one  into relationship two, my beau had already told me that he didn't EVER want to be married again. Knowing his truth, I understood and wasn't ...

                                                                  Before we dive in the our topic, let's recap some of the lessons learned in my first month of blogging: 1. It can be emotionally draining to recap some of the most painful experiences of your life 💔 BUT to learn that you've connected with people and that they are benefiting from you bringing some of your deepest, darkest places being brought to light is a humbling experience. To know that you've helped them to know they are NOT alone makes it all worth it. 2. Freedom. If I tell you my business, guess what? YOU GET IT FROM THE SOURCE! At this point, either you are rolling with me or not. No one can come tell you anything about me that you don't already know and if they do you should feel free to come ask me directly instead of whispering among...

Fall of 1999, I was cleaning my apartment and in the cabinet was an open box. Inside that box as one remaining pregnancy test. I decided to take it and throw it away... apparently I needed the tiny amount of space the box took up. I peed on the stick, went back to cleaning, and to my surprise: I was pregnant. I was becoming a mom at 19. August 20, 2000, six days before my 20th birthday, my daughter entered the world! My first child, my first true love❤ She was the most amazing thing ever created (don't argue with me on this) and she was such a joy that when she was 9 months old we decided that we didn't want her to grow up an only child. We decided to have another child so she would have a sibling close in age to grow up with. March 28, 2002, my son, "The Prince of Zamunda" was born. Being their mother is one of thee greatest things i could've ever experienced. These two gave me the reason I needed to make sound decisions. I wasn't afraid of an ora...

After suffering the greatest loss I could imagine, I realized that I HAD to get my life together. I had no other choice. I had become a functioning alcoholic and could stand looking through the kitchen window over the sink, drinking vodka, in silence, for hours while my kids were at school... I had become so depressed that my doctor put me on antidepressants that made me feel as if I was in "the sunken place" and at times I could literally feel what they call "brain zaps." Not good. So, after a few weeks I kicked the antidepressants and released myself from the pit I'd been in and I started on a journey of dissecting how I'd fallen so low from where I thought I once was. In my theory, I had sown adulterous seeds and was reaping the adulterous fruit I had earned: 1. My son was stillborn.  2. I was suffering from extreme depression.  3. I was having anxiety attacks.  4. When two people entry a relationship through the door of adulte...

Newton's Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Karma refers  to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect).   Good intent and good deed contribute to good karma and future happiness, while bad intent and bad deed contribute to bad karma and future suffering. But, as a Christian, it was simple: You reap what you sow. i could've titled this volume "The Reaping" but I decided to instead name it after the most devastating "L" I took during the season of reaping the seeds I had sown during The Great Rebellion. When I was in my 20's sowing seeds of rebellion and craziness, I hung my hat on the fact that I was a good mom. I took good care of my two children so as long as I didn't make any decisions that would impede upon that, I was good. Not so.  As long as I sowed good seed, kept my hands cl...

Welp... It was like a bad John Legend sing along. From "She Don't Have to Know" to "Everybody Knows". Only much to the chagrin of the church, I felt the latter about missing my Boyfriend #2. The church leaders wanted... or maybe needed me to go back to my husband and fix it. Make it work. Repent and fit in the box. There I was, stripped of my position in the church and with a First Lady that wouldn't speak my name or acknowledge my presence. So, I tried to humble myself an fit in the box. And I failed. Then, I moved out in August 2007. Tried a last ditch marriage retreat in February 2008. My divorce was finalized April 7, 2008. Found out I was pregnant in June 2008. Boyfriend #2's divorce finalized in January 2009. My divorce was clean cut and easy. Boyfriend # 2, not so much. It was drug out and he was drug through the mud. We did move in together eventually close to the winter of 2008 because it didn't make sense to have two pl...

As more "incidents" occurred, I thought I was ready to rack up a few incidents of my own. I did, and felt SO guilty that I soon quit and returned faithfully to my unhappy marriage. A few years later, I decided I was fine and began to work on an escape plan. This time I was completely disconnected in every way AND though I was still working faithfully in the church, I had missed quite a few months of any service due to working in ministry. Church had become a 3rd job and there were no opportunities to refill my cup. At this same time I developed a closer relationship with a friend. We had known each other for a while but we had started becoming closer. I was picking him up from work in the evenings and we would talk. About surface things at first, then we realized we had a lot of things in common... like we weren't happy in our marriages. We compared stories.  He was broken, I was broken, and now looking back at it all, I feel that our brokenness is what originally ...

Unpacking, Volume 1: ? The romanticized title would be 💕 "How I Fell In Love With and Married My Male BFF"💕, which would be a true statement. The more thorough title would be "How I Started Dating My Male BFF While We Were Both Still Married to Other People and Eventually Married Each Other". Toward the end of 2017, my for-eva-eva husband, who is also a real life comedian, stood flat footed at his comedy recording and told jokes. Many jokes. Then he announced in one of them that I had been his side chick😯. Yes, I'd spoken to him about the importance of living in transparency being a HUGE part of our journey. Yes, I knew the joke was coming. But, the moment you feel the eyes of the "✌non judgmental brethren✌" upon you (because, did I forget to mention this show was at a church: OUR CHURCH!!!!!) one might begin to do a little soul searching in preparation of the oncoming questions. So let's start unpacking back at Marriage #1...

Week #1: Unpacking!!!! I plan to unpack my baggage as I make this new blog space my home for the next 365 days. Happy New Year!!!!!!!! Feel free to leave comments on the blog, inbox on Facebook @PDashRae, or email Paula@P-Rae.com! Let me know what we should unpack first🤔

I am P-Rae aka Paula Rae! I will be blogging/vlogging my way through 2018 and THIS is your invitation to join me on my journey. Allow me to inroduce myself to those of you who don't know me well: 1. I'm a "Non Traditional" Christian. This means that I am a Christian by definition... and NOT by the "traditional" sterotype. I may have an opinon on a situation but my opinion is just that: MY OPINION. I DON'T JUDGE ANYONE!  Next week as I go through my personal unpacking, you'll understand my reasoning. So if this rubs you the wrong way, hang in there through Week 1: Unpacking Into Transparency. 2. I'm a wife. Yes...this is my 2nd time around... but I'm feeling like it'll be for-eva-eva. I've been married to my for-eva husband for 8 years. My 1st marriage lasted just about a month short of where we stand right now, so I'm gonna say we're winning so far. We will further discuss how long we've been together durin...